How to Succeed in Life without Even Trying

By J.Starr

The other day I happened to be in public and this guy said to me “You fail at life.” Judging by his level of insult complexity we can only ascertain that he was a supremely intelligent human being of Stephen Hawking proportions. After miraculously surviving his paralyzing insult I couldn’t help wondering, how exactly does one succeed in life?

We can look at society and see what successful people have but those are just possessions. How did these successful people succeed in the first place? Was there some set of rules they followed? I had to know. So I examined society as closely as I could. I went to the small town coffee shops and convenience stores, I went to the big malls in Frisco, I went to Dallas, I went to Wal-Mart, I ventured to Oklahoma and soaked up our fine American culture, I watched Glenn Beck and Bill O'Reily and this is what I found.

Warning: The following is a list of the ways to succeed in life without even trying. Some are do’s, some are don’ts, all are correct. If you follow these guidelines you will succeed. At the end I will conclude the list with the most important of all rules. This rule is to be followed to a T.

The Rules

1.      Don’t be an individual.

2.      Don’t think for yourself.

3.      Stay inside the box. Think inside the bun Taco Bell.

4.      Follow, don’t lead. There’s someone better than you, they’ll do it.

5.      Don’t be noticeable. Standing out gets you in trouble.  

6.      Don’t have a personality. They aren’t necessary.

7.      Don’t smile. Don’t laugh. Happiness means nothing. Life isn’t supposed to be enjoyable.

8.      Marry for security not love. Life isn’t about love. Love isn’t real.

9.      If you’re a girl, DON’T sleep around, it’s slutty and you’re a whore if you do. No one wants a skank.

10.  If you’re a man DO sleep around its how you prove you’re not a faggot, you queer!

11.  Believe the US government. They always tell the truth.

12.  Believe that the US is the best country in the world.

13.  Believe that everything you learned about in school is completely correct.

14.  Believe that Marijuana is bad, it’s a gateway drug, never smoke it. Never do any other drugs either. No one who does drugs has ever created anything good. The 60’s is proof of that.

15.  Have children when you get married it makes you look better.

16.  Don’t have children when you’re 16. If you do and you’re a girl it means you’re a whore.

17.  Don’t be different. Be like everyone else.

18.  Shop for groceries at Target not Wal-Mart.

19.  Shop for clothes at a large mall.

20.  Believe that being popular is the most important thing you can do in high school. It completely matters after high school is over.

21.  Be born into a wealthy family.

22.  Don’t care about people’s feelings, especially women’s.

23.  Care about the war in Iraq ‘cause it’s important and it means somethin’. Have no Idea what it actually means but just know that it means somethin’ by God.

24.  Always watch the news ‘cause they’re completely accurate and never lie and always talk about the most important things that are going on in the world. They never cater to a political position. They never purposely fail to mention things. They don’t have an agenda. The best channels to watch are CBS and FoxNews.

25.  Don’t be a Liberal. They’re Crazy and they love queers and Blackies!

26.  Always claim to be Christian but never demonstrate any of its principles in your life…except, of course for the ones that are convenient for you and support your personal opinions. This should be done especially in the case of woman, sex, drugs and alcohol ‘cause all of those things are very, very bad!

27.  This one was given to me by a good friend who shall remain nameless for his protection: If you’re from Oklahoma fanatically love the Oklahoma University Sooners with ridiculous unbridled passion and hate the Oklahoma State University Cowboys, especially in football, no matter what happens or how the season turns out because football matters that much damn it! Boomer Sooner!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now it’s time for the most important. These are the ones you absolutely must follow.

28.  Never, under any circumstance be any of the following:

Black

Native American

Mexican

Middle Eastern

Asian

Anything other than White

Fat

Gay

A woman

Crippled

Retarded

or

Poor, ‘cause there’s nothing worse than a penniless loser thinking they can make it.

29.  …and intelligence…well intelligence doesn’t really matter. I mean George W. Bush made it all the way to the White House on money and his family name.

30.  …and if you are interested in being president, btw, don’t be a woman and don’t be any race other than white. The only way you’re allowed to be Black and president is if you’re only half Black and the other half is White. You must also act White…oh and you must also do nothing significant while in office so every White person in America can say “See I told you a Black man couldn’t be president.” That’s just the rules. I didn’t make them. I just follow them. That’s why I’m successful.

Luke Scott and the Mystery of the Birth Certificate

Ok wow! I just read a Yahoo sports article about an interview with the Baltimore Orioles ignorant redneck first baseman Luke Scott. This peice o' shit is exactly what's wrong with this country. (The last two sentences were purely oppinion statements and not to be taken litterally.) He said he does not believe that Barack Obama was born here (in the US). What and complete moron (Also an Oppinion). I hope he reads this. Someone send it to him. The best part of the article was the editors insertion of Obama's birth certificate. What a dumbass. I'm so sick of people downgrading our president. The birth validity of Obama is just one of the many stupid rumors about him. He's Muslim, he didn't swear in on the Bible, he's a socialist, he wasn't born here, it's always the same bullshit over and over and I'm tired of it. Most of this shit is just because he's black and our white society can't handle it. I'm fuckin sick of this ignorant redneck bullshit. Get over it, we have a black president, big deal. Idiots.
First the guys talks about growing his beard out then he proceeds to discuss in detail the 2 deer he shot on the the hunting trip he just came back from. He brought pictures with him BTdub. Then he chatters on like a 12 year old school girl about his supercrush for sweaty Teddy Nugent (a fellow gun toating, militant, redneck) and how badly he wants to meet him, then he talks about how he "dusted" the deer with a 7mag, what, is this guy in the fuckin mafia or something, then quickly switches back to Sweaty Teddy ('Ol Ted was mentioned 6 times in the interview). He then continues, as most rednecks do, to expound on hunting and all the places he wants to hunt and how he's like seen braveheart like a million times and like loves it. Yes I'm making fun of him. No that's not how I really talk. He then talks, at extreme length (kinda like this blog post,) about the over population of deer, which is a huge redneck excuse for killing as many deer as possible, then, once again as most rednecks do, he talks about gun control and then starts on how Obama is not a true american and doesn't represent American values and blah blah blah he is not american. What a fuckin idiot. The shitty part is that if you showed the Government issued offical birth certicate that's on the article to Luke Scott he'd probably say oh well that's not real, it's faked, it's been doctored. No matter what evidence you submit to these types of people they refuse to belief. That's beyond ignorance. He has no excuse, he's been acurately informed. That's the definition of denial.
Now because Luke Scott is a douchebag of Kanye West/John mayer-like proportions I will now ridicule him and tear apart everything he said. He's not even that good of a baseball player either. That's why you play for a joke team like the Baltimore Orioles Luke. They can't even compete in their division. Ok let us start with this statement:

"I haven't paid any attention to baseball until recently."
Isn't baseball your profession, wouldn't you want to know more about it?
"I'm a big fan of Ted Nugent because he's a "keep it real" type of guy. He respects wildlife, he loves to hunt. I look at Ted Nugent and ... he's an American. He has the core beliefs of what it means to be an American in his heart. He lives by those beliefs and those principles. It's the same beliefs that our forefathers, who fought for our country, have. I'd be real interested in meeting him one day."
Yep cause being american is all about sex addiction and convincing an underage girls parents to let you be her " Legal gaurdian" so that you can continue to date her without legal intervention.
I think I remeber the forefathers writing something about wango tangoing in the the Declaration of Independence. I think it was called the Scream Dream amendment.
Wasn't Thomas Jefferson the first one to say "I got you in a stranglehold baby"? I think so."DB: How many times have you seen "Braveheart"?LS: Many. It's a great movie, one of my all-time favorites."
Mel Gibson, another psycho he a big fan of, whatta ya know.
"Basically, what you've done is, you've told the man who pays his bills and minds his own business, who's trying to protect his family and provide for his family, if you take away his gun [and] you give him a golf club or a baseball bat, or a knife, and if the criminal has a gun, he's going to win that battle 10 out of 10 times.
The real issue behind these people who are gun grabbers, the truth is — based on fact — the reason why is, they want control. They want control of the people. That's what socialism is and communism." (on gun control)
Why do rednecks insist that Obama is trying to take their guns away. Do they really believe that Barack is gonna literally come in a take their guns away from them? The point of Obama's gun control policies is to prevent convicted felons from owning guns. Of course the problem with this is that criminals will continue to illegally by firearms no matter what the government does. The benefit: If theyr'e caught with a gun their punishment will be greater, therefore taking them off the street, therefore removing crime from our society.
He can't be a socialist and a communist at the same time dude, pick one. By his statement one could assert that because he's opposed to socialism and the common opposition to socialism is capitalism that he's a capitalist right? Capitalism is such a better choice, your'e right Luke. The richest people should control everything because that's fair. That provides freedom for everyone including all those immigrants you were talking so good about to come over here and continue to be poor. Capitalism doesn't afford everyone the equal opportunity at success. It continues current statuses. Those wretched poor stay poor and the awesome rich stay rich. what a load of (as rednecks would say) Horseshit.
"Obama ... hmm ... Obama does not represent America. Nor does he represent anything what our forefathers stood for. This country is basically built on an attitude. It's a way of life. It's not because you're born here. It's not that you're supposed to take from those who have and give to those who haven't. That kills a country. It killed Russia."
So it's not because we're born in America that we're free?
No one give. It's bad to give to the less fortunate. This is America! We don't tolerate that shit! If your poor it's your fault. Get a job you bum! Giving killed Russia! They took our jobs! Ted Nugent!
"That's what tears down a people, tears down nations. Hence, the problem we're having in this country, where we're experiencing unemployment. We're experiencing all of these negative things that are happening in our land as a direct result of that type of attitude — of too much government involvement, of moral decay, and of people lacking honor and integrity."
It must be so hard for you to make millions of dollars a year for playing a sport that you love. I feel so bad that "we're" barely making it. It must take all the the honor and integrity you have to get up everyday and play a game. Your'e such an american. Our troops are out there everyday fight for professional baseball. You stupid moronic motherfucker.
"Obama, he doesn't represent that. He represents, "Hey, everyone. Give me votes and I'll give you stuff.""
"I'll say something to somebody to get their vote, but if I have to compromise what I believe in, there's no honor in that. There's no integrity. That's not a leader."
God, I love contradiction!
"DB: You don't think that Obama wasn't born in the United States, do you?LS: He was not born here.DB: [Sighs].LS: That's my belief. I was born here. If someone accuses me of not being born here, I can go — within 10 minutes — to my filing cabinet and I can pick up my real birth certificate and I can go, "See? Look! Here it is. Here it is." The man has dodged everything. He dodges questions, he doesn't answer anything. And why? Because he's hiding something.""
You know why he doesn't run in a panic and scramble to grab his birth certificate to prove to a bunch ignorant fucktard rednecks that he's American. Because he's the fuckin President! He doen't have to prove anything to your dumbass. Do you really think the American government is going let someone who's not an american citizen be the fuckin President. God your'e stupid.
"Come on. If you're born here, there's plenty of documents. But you know what? There's no documentation of him. No legal documentation of him."

Come on!
"I took red stag at a ranch in Pennsylvania. ... This was earlier. This was two days after the season was over. Here he is, red stag."
"There needs to be accountability for the truth. I don't care if you're the president of the United States, you need to be held accountable. If you're involved in treacherous acts, or you're saying things that are against, or are selling out our country, you should be brought to trial. I mean, no one's above the law."
Isn't killing game out of season illegal? Hmmm....
"There's a lot of people that fought for their country and that's not something to be taken lightly. They gave their life, everything they had, they gave their lives, to give us what we have. That's why I'm so passionate about my beliefs -- because someone died. They gave their life, their blood was spilled, so I had an opportunity to chase a dream and play baseball for a living."
Yep because that's the first thing on the troops mind, Pofessional Baseball, and mainly you playing, not anyone else though. Just you.

fortunately for Luke Scott we have something in this country called freedom of speech and no one can really stop him from saying what he wants to say. Unfortunately for Like Scott I also have that freedom.

Until next time, keep reading.