Tuesday, November 22, 2011

How to Succeed in Life without Even Trying

By J.Starr

The other day I happened to be in public and this guy said to me “You fail at life.” Judging by his level of insult complexity we can only ascertain that he was a supremely intelligent human being of Stephen Hawking proportions. After miraculously surviving his paralyzing insult I couldn’t help wondering, how exactly does one succeed in life?
We can look at society and see what successful people have but those are just possessions. How did these successful people succeed in the first place? Was there some set of rules they followed? I had to know. So I examined society as closely as I could. I went to the small town coffee shops and convenience stores, I went to the big malls in Frisco, I went to Dallas, I went to Wal-Mart, I ventured to Oklahoma and soaked up our fine American culture, I watched Glenn Beck and Bill O'Reily and this is what I found.

Warning: The following is a list of the ways to succeed in life without even trying. Some are do’s, some are don’ts, all are correct. If you follow these guidelines you will succeed. At the end I will conclude the list with the most important of all rules. This rule is to be followed to a T.



The Rules
1.      Don’t be an individual.
2.      Don’t think for yourself.
3.      Stay inside the box. Think inside the bun Taco Bell.
4.      Follow, don’t lead. There’s someone better than you, they’ll do it.
5.      Don’t be noticeable. Standing out gets you in trouble.  
6.      Don’t have a personality. They aren’t necessary.
7.      Don’t smile. Don’t laugh. Happiness means nothing. Life isn’t supposed to be enjoyable.
8.      Marry for security not love. Life isn’t about love. Love isn’t real.
9.      If you’re a girl, DON’T sleep around, it’s slutty and you’re a whore if you do. No one wants a skank.
10.  If you’re a man DO sleep around its how you prove you’re not a faggot, you queer!
11.  Believe the US government. They always tell the truth.
12.  Believe that the US is the best country in the world.
13.  Believe that everything you learned about in school is completely correct.
14.  Believe that Marijuana is bad, it’s a gateway drug, never smoke it. Never do any other drugs either. No one who does drugs has ever created anything good. The 60’s is proof of that.
15.  Have children when you get married it makes you look better.
16.  Don’t have children when you’re 16. If you do and you’re a girl it means you’re a whore.
17.  Don’t be different. Be like everyone else.
18.  Shop for groceries at Target not Wal-Mart.
19.  Shop for clothes at a large mall.
20.  Believe that being popular is the most important thing you can do in high school. It completely matters after high school is over.
21.  Be born into a wealthy family.
22.  Don’t care about people’s feelings, especially women’s.
23.  Care about the war in Iraq ‘cause it’s important and it means somethin’. Have no Idea what it actually means but just know that it means somethin’ by God.
24.  Always watch the news ‘cause they’re completely accurate and never lie and always talk about the most important things that are going on in the world. They never cater to a political position. They never purposely fail to mention things. They don’t have an agenda. The best channels to watch are CBS and FoxNews.
25.  Don’t be a Liberal. They’re Crazy and they love queers and Blackies!
26.  Always claim to be Christian but never demonstrate any of its principles in your life…except, of course for the ones that are convenient for you and support your personal opinions. This should be done especially in the case of woman, sex, drugs and alcohol ‘cause all of those things are very, very bad!
27.  This one was given to me by a good friend who shall remain nameless for his protection: If you’re from Oklahoma fanatically love the Oklahoma University Sooners with ridiculous unbridled passion and hate the Oklahoma State University Cowboys, especially in football, no matter what happens or how the season turns out because football matters that much damn it! Boomer Sooner!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now it’s time for the most important. These are the ones you absolutely must follow.
28.  Never, under any circumstance be any of the following:
Black
Native American
Mexican
Middle Eastern
Asian
Anything other than White
Fat
Gay
A woman
Crippled
Retarded
or
Poor, ‘cause there’s nothing worse than a penniless loser thinking they can make it.
29.  …and intelligence…well intelligence doesn’t really matter. I mean George W. Bush made it all the way to the White House on money and his family name.

30.  …and if you are interested in being president, btw, don’t be a woman and don’t be any race other than white. The only way you’re allowed to be Black and president is if you’re only half Black and the other half is White. You must also act White…oh and you must also do nothing significant while in office so every White person in America can say “See I told you a Black man couldn’t be president.” That’s just the rules. I didn’t make them. I just follow them. That’s why I’m successful.

2 comments:

  1. I can attest to #18 on the list. In fact, it was a mere two days ago when I purchased my organic, gluten-free, dye-free, free-range soy bean, blessed by TOM CRUISE himself and some aliens from outer-space that claim they are drug-free because they practice Scientology, 0% lactose, all natural vanilla flavored soy milk, from Target. (Jesus, with all those, "frees", you would think the half-gallon of milk would've been FREE. Nope, it was $6.66 to be exact, which I gladly paid for with my 100% AMERICAN made dollar bills.) Plus, the back of the milk carton says my purchase helped save some little black kid in Africa who's dying of AIDS. I get to feel like I did something good for humanity and the black kid with AIDS gets a free glass of soy milk. Two days, post-purchase and I can honestly say I still feel like a winner. As for the black kid... well... #justsayin

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  2. Very nicely done Sweetly. I'm applauding.

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