First we have Yahoo. Nice, neutral and they never report something unless they’re absolutely sure it’s true. That's called sarcasm.
How considerate of him. If my wife is ever shot in the head and goes into a coma I’ll make sure and ask for a neckrub when she wakes up, because I'm sure that's the first thing she'll wanna do after waking from a coma. Come here bitch, give me a neck and when you’re done with that suck my cock…whore. In case you’re wondering in the medical world that’s how you know when someone has come out of a coma, they give you a neckrub. It's actually common medical knowledge. I know this because I watch Scrubs. Damn it Zack Braff is sexy!
The following was an update from the same story. It came out two days later
Giffords’s husband says she recognizes him
Good cause for a minute there I thought I was getting a neck massage from a stranger. I wonder if it had a happy ending?
Apple faces Jobs questions, even as sales set to soar
Despite 50% jump in sales over the past Holiday (Christmas if you're Christian, Xmass, whatever the fuck that is, if you're liberal) the electronics powerhouse may face more pressing questions concerning the health of iconic chief executive Steve Jobs.
Well I'd be sick too if I found out that the Android and the Windows Phone 7 made the iPhone their bitch. His health probably declined even further when he found out they were selling the iPad at Wal-Mart. Don't you realize what will happen if ignorant rednecks are allowed to access Facebook? They already destroyed Myspace with their trailer trash voodoo and Craigslist with their personal ads.
Student tracking finds limited learning in college
Apparently a new study conducted in England has found that most college students aren't really learning anything beyond their Sophmore year.
It’s not that we can’t learn it’s that we don’t give a shit. It's nothing Weed, Beer and unprotected premarital sex with some sweaty guy at a frat party can't fix right guys? That never happened to me I’m just sayin… My problem isn't learning new information, it's that I already know everything I'm being taught. It sucks being smarter than your teachers.
CNN
...CNN is boring and uncool. Only lame upperclass white people like CNN. Moving on...
CBS
Cops: Boy used Birthday rifle to kill kin.
This 14 yr old boy in South Carolina killed his father, another family member and badly wounded his grandmother with a rifle he received from his father for Christmas.
What a genius idea by the father to give his crazy young teen a rifle. I know we live in the south and we have this gigantic hard on for guns here but come on poeple. Maybe if you woulda got 'em that PS3 he wanted in the first place, you wouldn't be dead right now Dad. This is exactly the kind of behavior I would expect from a South Carolina teen, redneck idiots.
Discovery
'Toylet' turns bathroom into arcade
So they have a new toilet in Japan for men's bathrooms, it's made by Sega, and it's a videogame. The screen is on the wall and you use your own urine to win. It has 4 different games. In one of the games a girls skirt is blown up more and more according to how hard you urinate.
Yes that was actually fucking true.
Only in country where you can buy used girl's panties in a vending machine...
I wonder if the game has a 2 player mode?
If you lose the game does the toilet flush?
Why can't girls play? It’s cause they have a vagina.
They have all this amazing technology, that far surpasses ours and they use it to make a urination game?
How clever of the Japanese to change it from toilet to toylet. U so funny.
Is this considered toilet humor?
Oh Sega, how far you've come. From Sonic and Street Fighter to blowing up girls skirts with your piss...The Budah would be so proud!
Those crazy little Japanese porn freaks.
...and now it's time for my favorite part of Headlines: Headlines from Fox News or as I like to call it: Lies and other stupid Bull Shit made up by Bill O'Reily.
Jen regrets Famous do?
This one was about how Jennifer fuckin Aniston has a hard time losing the weight in her butt and how she hated her famous 'Rachel' haircut.
In these times of political and economic despair it's nice to see a celebrity like Jen Aniston focusing on the real issues, like her hair and how her ass looks in jeans. Thank you Jen for showing us all what it really means to be an american. Leave it to FoxNews to put shit like this in their headlines. Dumbasses. Oh and Jen we also regret your fuckin Rachel haircut. We regret that whole fuckin show. We regret the first Leprechaun movie cause your ugly ass was in it. We regret that peice 'o shit celebreties like you even exist...cunt.
MLK Day
Why don't we just call this God forsaken Holliday what it really is: A reminder from black people that white people suck and that next month (February) belongs to them and their history...Day. You don't have to remind us, we remember, unfortunately. For conservatives it's "Oh MLK was such a good Christian." For Liberals it's "Let's all get along and be equal." Blah blah blah, who cares.
For students like my self Black History month means one thing, we're probably gonna have to write some stupid fuckin essay over a black guy that changed America. Oh George Washington Carver invented Peanut Butter. Big fuckin deal. Thanks alot for contributing to my grandfathers diabetes Georgie. Other than little kids and apparently my grandpa who really likes PB&J anyway? Oh well at least we get outta school for it. The End...
P.S. If you're really angry right now then you should immediately type a response to this. It's always better to not collect your thoughts before commenting on something someone wrote on a blog as a joke.
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